Can Animals be Gay?
A Vet's guide to treating gay animals and homophobia
Let me introduce myself. I’m a qualified vet with years of experience treating gay animals. Initially, I was just a regular vet, but I realized there was a booming market in playing on people’s homophobia and got stuck in early — as they say.
Now, our Gay Wellness Pet Clinic has been busy curing pet gayness ever since.
We specialize in treating animals for being gay. Business is booming because, more and more, owners realize that caring for a pet means keeping them straight.
Now, our Gay Wellness Pet Clinic has been busy curing pet gayness ever since.
We specialize in treating animals for being gay. Business is booming because, more and more, owners realize that caring for a pet means keeping them straight.
Key Worry of Pet Owners
Right after “my animal is unwell,” concerns about gay behavior top most pet owners’ lists. Who to treat? The owner or the pet? The pet, obviously — I jest, in a slightly gay manner.
Relax — I haven’t turned gay from mixing with gay animals. Oh no. In fact, that theory’s been debunked — gayness doesn’t transmit between species.
Owners are mostly concerned that people will think they’re gay if their pet starts acting gay. That could lead to persecution or ostracism — where your head gets stuck in a bucket of sand.
Gay pets are the number one cause of abandoned animals. Act now before the shame consumes you. Nothing invites more judgment than owning an openly gay pet.
Right after “my animal is unwell,” concerns about gay behavior top most pet owners’ lists. Who to treat? The owner or the pet? The pet, obviously — I jest, in a slightly gay manner.
Relax — I haven’t turned gay from mixing with gay animals. Oh no. In fact, that theory’s been debunked — gayness doesn’t transmit between species.
Owners are mostly concerned that people will think they’re gay if their pet starts acting gay. That could lead to persecution or ostracism — where your head gets stuck in a bucket of sand.
Gay pets are the number one cause of abandoned animals. Act now before the shame consumes you. Nothing invites more judgment than owning an openly gay pet.
Identifying Gay Behavior
It’s shocking, but many seemingly straight animals are well gay. They may do normal animal stuff, but there are signs for the observant and worried owner.
Does your cat purr suggestively while licking itself?
Does your dog bury his bone a little too deep?
Does your horse love a good bareback ride?
Does your hamster rearrange its cage and hide its nuts?
Do your fish swim in formation?
Yes, even fish can be treated with our “I’m Not Gay” fish pellets.
Anyway, they’re all probably gay — just look at them.
It’s shocking, but many seemingly straight animals are well gay. They may do normal animal stuff, but there are signs for the observant and worried owner.
Does your cat purr suggestively while licking itself?
Does your dog bury his bone a little too deep?
Does your horse love a good bareback ride?
Does your hamster rearrange its cage and hide its nuts?
Do your fish swim in formation?
Yes, even fish can be treated with our “I’m Not Gay” fish pellets.
Anyway, they’re all probably gay — just look at them.
Proper Diagnosis
Sometimes, pets are just regular animals doing pet stuff. We treat them anyway — better safe than sorry!
Our astute owners usually diagnose the problem themselves. Our diagnosis process? A chat, maybe a quick glance at the pet. I avoid direct contact because of my mite allergy.
Once we officially declare your pet gay and determine the level of gayness, we move to treatment — or sentencing, as I like to call it. This always calms the owners who are freaking out after we confirm their pet’s gayness.
Sometimes, pets are just regular animals doing pet stuff. We treat them anyway — better safe than sorry!
Our astute owners usually diagnose the problem themselves. Our diagnosis process? A chat, maybe a quick glance at the pet. I avoid direct contact because of my mite allergy.
Once we officially declare your pet gay and determine the level of gayness, we move to treatment — or sentencing, as I like to call it. This always calms the owners who are freaking out after we confirm their pet’s gayness.
Treatment Options
At the Gay Wellness Centre, we offer a range of treatments. Homeopathic remedies? Sure, but we’ve also got some powerful stuff from local transitioning centers. For the advanced cases, there’s electroshock therapy — straight from our Guantanamo Gay Treatment facility. We call it “shock and paw.”
These treatments aren’t cheap. Cheap doesn’t fix gay. Cheap means a relapse. Other “specialists” give you cheap pills, and within months, your pet’s back to their gay old ways.
We use a secret mix of Chinese herbs, known only to a sect of Buddhist monks who are worried about the gay plague.
“Expensive but proven” — that’s our motto, and we stand by it. So do our lawyers.
Our treatments correct flamboyant behavior, from suspiciously well-groomed fur to excessive tail-wagging. Nothing says “straight” like a disheveled cat.
At the Gay Wellness Centre, we offer a range of treatments. Homeopathic remedies? Sure, but we’ve also got some powerful stuff from local transitioning centers. For the advanced cases, there’s electroshock therapy — straight from our Guantanamo Gay Treatment facility. We call it “shock and paw.”
These treatments aren’t cheap. Cheap doesn’t fix gay. Cheap means a relapse. Other “specialists” give you cheap pills, and within months, your pet’s back to their gay old ways.
We use a secret mix of Chinese herbs, known only to a sect of Buddhist monks who are worried about the gay plague.
“Expensive but proven” — that’s our motto, and we stand by it. So do our lawyers.
Our treatments correct flamboyant behavior, from suspiciously well-groomed fur to excessive tail-wagging. Nothing says “straight” like a disheveled cat.
What About Neutering?
We get asked this a lot. Would neutering help? Our line. Only under very special circumstances do we neuter an owner. That’s when we feel they deserve it.
We get asked this a lot. Would neutering help? Our line. Only under very special circumstances do we neuter an owner. That’s when we feel they deserve it.
Summary
Gayness in pets can be a real concern, but we’ve got solutions. Some say sexual orientation is no big deal and that “all animals deserve equal treatment.” Not so. As a qualified vet, I can assure you they’re wrong. Left untreated, gay pets will corrupt younger pets and lead to an alarming rise in Lady Gaga fandom.
I hope this helps reinforce some stereotypes and encourages you to join us in rooting out this menace in pet society.
As we say — let’s keep the big gay horse in the barn. If we can’t keep it there, what hope for society?
Thanks for caring. If your pet’s recently visited our clinic, leave us a positive review. Let’s Make Animals Great Again!
Gayness in pets can be a real concern, but we’ve got solutions. Some say sexual orientation is no big deal and that “all animals deserve equal treatment.” Not so. As a qualified vet, I can assure you they’re wrong. Left untreated, gay pets will corrupt younger pets and lead to an alarming rise in Lady Gaga fandom.
I hope this helps reinforce some stereotypes and encourages you to join us in rooting out this menace in pet society.
As we say — let’s keep the big gay horse in the barn. If we can’t keep it there, what hope for society?
Thanks for caring. If your pet’s recently visited our clinic, leave us a positive review. Let’s Make Animals Great Again!