Celebrity Influencer Lifestyle Spoof
A new celebrity TV show offers intimate glimpses of life behind the net curtains
Algerian Jacket Potato
Opening shots show Mark in the kitchen preparing a jacket potato. He carefully places his cigarette so it won’t burn the worktop and starts peeling. A voiceover explains. “Mark will be sharing cooking, gardening and hosting tips in this exciting new lifestyle series.”
The camera cuts away from Mark and pans round the rest of his desirable accommodation.
An unmade single bed in the corner. A pile of socks, recently tidied from three piles to one. A sink full of washing up. The toilet door is open. The camera quickly pans past.
The camera cuts away from Mark and pans round the rest of his desirable accommodation.
An unmade single bed in the corner. A pile of socks, recently tidied from three piles to one. A sink full of washing up. The toilet door is open. The camera quickly pans past.
The voiceover continues. “Distantly related to the Royal Family, Mark Markle has allowed the cameras to take an intimate peek at one of Britain’s best kept secrets.”
The camera lingers on pictures of celebrity friends arranged on top of the 24-inch colour TV. There’s one of Mark and the Dalai Lama. Another shows him visiting the Saudis. Is that him with Trump or the Bidens? Audience feedback will determine the answer for future episodes.
The style is new Bohemian. Shabby chic. The latest thing in degentrification.
“Are you tired of watching out-of-touch celebs showing you a lifestyle you can’t possibly afford?
Stuck-up rich people showing you just how stuck-up and rich they are? Comparing your life to theirs and feeling a little bit sadder?”
“Be sad no more.”
A random set of cuts from videos is shown. Mark in the gardens. Mark talking to staff. Mark looking at a beehive. Mark in profile with a polo stick in his hand.
The camera lingers on pictures of celebrity friends arranged on top of the 24-inch colour TV. There’s one of Mark and the Dalai Lama. Another shows him visiting the Saudis. Is that him with Trump or the Bidens? Audience feedback will determine the answer for future episodes.
The style is new Bohemian. Shabby chic. The latest thing in degentrification.
“Are you tired of watching out-of-touch celebs showing you a lifestyle you can’t possibly afford?
Stuck-up rich people showing you just how stuck-up and rich they are? Comparing your life to theirs and feeling a little bit sadder?”
“Be sad no more.”
A random set of cuts from videos is shown. Mark in the gardens. Mark talking to staff. Mark looking at a beehive. Mark in profile with a polo stick in his hand.
The camera returns to Mark. He has cut his finger while scoring the potato. He washes the blood off his hand and most of the potato. Time for his opening address to camera.
“Hello to all my new friends,” says Mark, squinting to read the teleprompter and looking slightly shifty. “In this series, I am going to share my secrets by inviting you into my home. Welcome.”
He gestures towards the oven, an old Belling calor-gas affair. “Don’t worry if you don’t have a super kitchen like the top people” he says, “We can cook up a storm with this bastard.”
The phone rings. He answers. “Oh hello Meghan,” he says, winking to camera. “Thanks so much darling.” It appears Meghan Markle has rung to congratulate him on his new show.
“Hello to all my new friends,” says Mark, squinting to read the teleprompter and looking slightly shifty. “In this series, I am going to share my secrets by inviting you into my home. Welcome.”
He gestures towards the oven, an old Belling calor-gas affair. “Don’t worry if you don’t have a super kitchen like the top people” he says, “We can cook up a storm with this bastard.”
The phone rings. He answers. “Oh hello Meghan,” he says, winking to camera. “Thanks so much darling.” It appears Meghan Markle has rung to congratulate him on his new show.
The doorbell rings. “I wonder who that is?” says Mark as he stubs out his fag and heads for the door, which is a full four feet away. The first guest of the day.
It’s Dave! One of Mark’s millennial friends and a newcomer to the celeb circuit. “What’s with the camera…” begins Dave. He is quickly hushed. Mark greets him while still looking at the camera. Dave cottons on. He greets Mark back while looking at the camera himself. Then he walks stiffly to the potato and says, “What you cooking Mark?”
Mark explains he is making a recipe from his grandmother, Algerian potatoes. Shows Dave the label from Tesco which says “Produce of Algeria.” Enacts an exaggerated mime-style show of placing the potato in the oven and twiddling a dial.
It’s Dave! One of Mark’s millennial friends and a newcomer to the celeb circuit. “What’s with the camera…” begins Dave. He is quickly hushed. Mark greets him while still looking at the camera. Dave cottons on. He greets Mark back while looking at the camera himself. Then he walks stiffly to the potato and says, “What you cooking Mark?”
Mark explains he is making a recipe from his grandmother, Algerian potatoes. Shows Dave the label from Tesco which says “Produce of Algeria.” Enacts an exaggerated mime-style show of placing the potato in the oven and twiddling a dial.
Camera shows the clock changing from 4pm to 4:15pm and then cuts to Mark opening the oven.
Inside is a four-course meal. Dave, now wearing a suit and tie, is seated at the table which appears to be in a much-larger flat. Mark bustles around with condiments, flowers and fresh strawberries. “Tuck in Dave me old mucker,” he says, reading the script sellotaped to the back of the chair.
A montage of Dave eating plays. Potato, shrimps, caviar, and champagne vanish into his capacious mouth. “Simply divine,” mumbles Dave.
They share an after-dinner cigarette and talk about events of the day. “The trouble I had with my new gardener,” says Mark, flicking the ash into the empty strawberry bowl. “I know,” says Dave, “One cannot get the staff” and belches loudly.
Inside is a four-course meal. Dave, now wearing a suit and tie, is seated at the table which appears to be in a much-larger flat. Mark bustles around with condiments, flowers and fresh strawberries. “Tuck in Dave me old mucker,” he says, reading the script sellotaped to the back of the chair.
A montage of Dave eating plays. Potato, shrimps, caviar, and champagne vanish into his capacious mouth. “Simply divine,” mumbles Dave.
They share an after-dinner cigarette and talk about events of the day. “The trouble I had with my new gardener,” says Mark, flicking the ash into the empty strawberry bowl. “I know,” says Dave, “One cannot get the staff” and belches loudly.
The scene fades. A teaser for next week’s show plays out. It shows Kate in the garden wearing unsuitable attire for beekeeping. A couple of gardeners watch on in some bemusement. Off-screen, Mark is calling, “Kate darling, is the honey ready, I’m expecting the Markles?”
A final word from the voiceover. “Don’t miss your favourite new celebrities! Tune in next week, and every week.”
And cut.
“Thank fuck for that,” says Dave, “This tie is killing me.”
A final word from the voiceover. “Don’t miss your favourite new celebrities! Tune in next week, and every week.”
And cut.
“Thank fuck for that,” says Dave, “This tie is killing me.”