Dear Megacorp,

I am writing to apply for the job you advertised as an "exciting opportunity to stretch myself." Lol, like I'm Elastic Man.

I assume the last person left in a hurry, and you’ve puffed up this position to make it sound way better than it is. You've tried really hard to make up for rubbish pay and no prospects—so, well done for that.

Most work is a tedious, soul-destroying occupation for those who’ve given up hope of doing something proper, like being an influencer.

However, my probation officer and the benefits office say I need to "show some effort."

Fascists.

Here’s my application and profile pic.

​Mark Ewbie

Before I start writing this application, let’s be honest.

You know this will be a tissue of lies from start to finish. I'll try to sound like the perfect candidate, and you won’t even read it.

There will be hundreds of applications. After a brief delay for appearances' sake, you’ll give the job to a relative or some girl you’re trying to get Jiggy with Miss Piggy.

Here’s the gravy.

Education: I didn’t like school, and they didn’t like me.

Work Experience: I’ve experienced work and I don’t like it. Getting up early, commuting, and working alongside colleagues are for losers. Most jobs are poorly paid, and my bosses never knew how to get the best out of me.

Criminal Record: No legal need to declare convictions, as this job doesn’t involve children, the elderly, or animals. Any ongoing court cases are innocent until proven guilty—which I won’t be.

References: If you insist, my mate Dave can whip up a reference on fake headed notepaper he found online.

Hobbies: Chess, swimming, recreational drugs, and pizza.

I read your pathetic job advert and took a glance at your soulless building during a drive-by.

I have no interest in working for a bunch of losers with second-rate college degrees. But if you’re looking to fill numbers for a government-sponsored scheme that pays the bone idle to do nothing, I’m happy to make myself available—between regular sick days, of course.

​My ability to do no work means I’ll fit right in with the other slackers you’ve hired.

My mate Dave reckons you might be a pedantic tosser who checks every date of past employment.

I said no one could be that sad, but just in case it helps...

This Year
Currently looking for work since my last employer sacked me for gross indiscretion. Lol. If they thought that was gross, they really need to get out more.

January - February
Assistant intern at the local leisure centre. Briefly responsible for changing room supervision and towel folding.

Last Year

December
Worked part-time at a local baker. Apparently, I have a rare bread allergy. They kindly escorted me from the premises after suggesting I "broaden my horizons."

November
Looking for work. Did some cash-in-hand jobs for Dave.

September - October
Landscape gardening.

August
Under certain restrictions following a misunderstanding with local law enforcement.

May-July
Ran an indoor garden for Dave in a squat until things got shut down rather suddenly.

April and earlier
No one remembers that far back, but the internet assures me that "college" will cover any gaps. So, yeah, college.

My mate Dave says if you even bother with an interview, they’ll probably ask a bunch of stupid questions. We made a list of the usual ones to save time.

Why do you want to work for us?
That’s one of the dumbest questions ever. Duh, I need the money.

What first attracted you to our company?
Mainly the advert. It said you were offering a job, and I need one. Technically, I just need money, but sadly that requires a job title.

What can you offer our company?
Oh, come on. Are we still in school? I can show up most days—except Mondays, obviously. Go through the motions and collect a paycheck. I’ll try not to look too bored or aggressive.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Not in prison would be nice. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

Why should we offer you the job?
I can energize and re-imagine the role to bring new ideas and enthusiasm to your corporate model.
Just kidding. That was a joke Dave told me to add. If you don’t offer me the job, I’ll take you to court for discriminatory hiring practices.

Dear Friend.

Mark is a decent bloke. Not the brightest, but good fun to hang out with. One night we got so wasted he fell in a ditch, and I had to call 911—for a pizza. It was a good laugh.

He’s a bit fond of the ladies, so best keep them out of sight. Even the mingers.

I recommend Mark for this job because he’s my mate and a loyal customer.

Mr. Dave Davey CEO

I showed this piece to Dave. He was amazed by all the words and thought the fake reference was pure genius.

He reckons you could make a fortune doing dodgy job applications for people. I said it was more art than forgery—a creative masterpiece.

He told me I was talking like a girl, so I shut up. We chilled out and started thinking about setting up a professional résumé company. Watch this space.

Job adverts often say "Must have a keen sense of humor." But let's be honest, they don’t really mean it.