Funny Recipes: Cream of Tomato Soup
"Tomato Soup" by Mark Ewbie
This is my method for creating the perfect soup – every time. Tomato soup is the crème de la crème of soups, a giant among soups in terms of popularity. From childhood winter evenings through to adult sophistication at the top eating houses – tomato soup stands head and shoulders above the others.
Now don’t get me wrong. I like leek and potato, or perhaps carrot and coriander. Not so much winter vegetable or pea soup. But compared to the mighty tomato soup, they are bridesmaids to the main event.
Actually, pea soup is a culinary creation that makes you wonder why they bother. Revolting. Although, if you can stomach the stuff, I have done a recipe page on it, I Love Delicious Pea Soup, so please feel free to try it out.
This page is dedicated to the one and only soup you’ll ever really need, inasmuch as you can need a soup, of course. A delicious starter or, with bread and cheese, a quick main course for the culinary challenged.
Dear reader, I give you my Tomato Soup recipe. But first, some memories.
Now don’t get me wrong. I like leek and potato, or perhaps carrot and coriander. Not so much winter vegetable or pea soup. But compared to the mighty tomato soup, they are bridesmaids to the main event.
Actually, pea soup is a culinary creation that makes you wonder why they bother. Revolting. Although, if you can stomach the stuff, I have done a recipe page on it, I Love Delicious Pea Soup, so please feel free to try it out.
This page is dedicated to the one and only soup you’ll ever really need, inasmuch as you can need a soup, of course. A delicious starter or, with bread and cheese, a quick main course for the culinary challenged.
Dear reader, I give you my Tomato Soup recipe. But first, some memories.
Memories of Soup
I remember as a child, working shifts in the mines of West Yorkshire, finishing at ten in the evening. Running home up the cobbled streets, buying a loaf of three-day-old bread from Singhsbury’s 24/7, and getting home before Dad came back from the pub.
“What’s for tea – Mam?” I’d say.
“Soup,” she’d reply, and there it was, sometimes heated, sometimes not, waiting for me on the kitchen table. Always soup. She wasn’t what you’d call much of a cook, but always (or so I thought at the time) prepared with love.
Of course, too much soup can lead to the runs, so in later life, I prefer to only have soup four times a week and maybe eat something more substantial, like chicken nuggets, on other occasions.
I remember as a child, working shifts in the mines of West Yorkshire, finishing at ten in the evening. Running home up the cobbled streets, buying a loaf of three-day-old bread from Singhsbury’s 24/7, and getting home before Dad came back from the pub.
“What’s for tea – Mam?” I’d say.
“Soup,” she’d reply, and there it was, sometimes heated, sometimes not, waiting for me on the kitchen table. Always soup. She wasn’t what you’d call much of a cook, but always (or so I thought at the time) prepared with love.
Of course, too much soup can lead to the runs, so in later life, I prefer to only have soup four times a week and maybe eat something more substantial, like chicken nuggets, on other occasions.
Preparing the Kitchen
As a cook, I have learned through experience that before starting on the gig, you need to get your shit together. Make sure you are sober before starting; there’s a lot of dangerous equipment in a kitchen.
Clear away unwashed plates and cutlery – I like to push mine towards the sink or form a pile in a corner. Wipe down all surfaces with a rag or floor cloth.
Tip: If you wipe and there is still a spot of muck, then a bit of spit will probably work it loose.
So, make some space in the kitchen and mentally prepare for your cooking process.
As a cook, I have learned through experience that before starting on the gig, you need to get your shit together. Make sure you are sober before starting; there’s a lot of dangerous equipment in a kitchen.
Clear away unwashed plates and cutlery – I like to push mine towards the sink or form a pile in a corner. Wipe down all surfaces with a rag or floor cloth.
Tip: If you wipe and there is still a spot of muck, then a bit of spit will probably work it loose.
So, make some space in the kitchen and mentally prepare for your cooking process.
Sourcing Seasonal Ingredients
Try to use ingredients that are naturally available at the time of year. This creates a biorhythm to your cooking, which your guests will appreciate. It’s Nature’s calendar – of what to cook and when to cook it.
We have been eating seasonal products since probably as far back as the early twentieth century, so there is a tradition to it.
Sourcing local ingredients is important for freshness and food miles. If your food has been transported from the other side of the world, this can have a real impact on the planet. Shop local, be green.
Of course, if you use a supermarket, then you can get anything, anytime. Sometimes the planet has to take second place to my desire for tomato soup.
Try to use ingredients that are naturally available at the time of year. This creates a biorhythm to your cooking, which your guests will appreciate. It’s Nature’s calendar – of what to cook and when to cook it.
We have been eating seasonal products since probably as far back as the early twentieth century, so there is a tradition to it.
Sourcing local ingredients is important for freshness and food miles. If your food has been transported from the other side of the world, this can have a real impact on the planet. Shop local, be green.
Of course, if you use a supermarket, then you can get anything, anytime. Sometimes the planet has to take second place to my desire for tomato soup.
Cooking the Soup
You will need…
You will need…
- One saucepan – ideally large enough to contain the amount of soup you intend to prepare. If it’s too small – spillage. Too big – doesn’t matter really – but your soup might look inadequate in a maximum-size Le Creuset.
- One wooden stirring spoon. Could be plastic, could be metal – but wood is best. If you don’t wash the wooden spoons very often, they begin to develop their own taste.
- One gas ring, or electric. I prefer gas because it gives me instant control. Please note, trying to warm the soup with a fan heater doesn’t really work.
- One can opener. Worthwhile keeping a supply of plasters available in case of cuts; those tins can be sharp when opened.
- One tin of tomato soup. One tin per person, depending on the size of the tin and size of the person.
Tomato Soup Recipe
Tip: Do not leave the soup unattended on the heat and rejoin your friends in the other room to smoke a large cannabis cigarette, returning to the kitchen some hours later. This may spoil the soup.
- Open the tin of soup.
- Pour into the saucepan.
- Switch on or light the heating element.
- Monitor the soup temperature. Stir occasionally. I like to wait till little heat bubbles appear and then stir till they disappear. It’s amusing and passes the time while cooking, which, to be honest, is quite boring.
- Eventually, the soup will be hot enough. Probably about three minutes.
Tip: Do not leave the soup unattended on the heat and rejoin your friends in the other room to smoke a large cannabis cigarette, returning to the kitchen some hours later. This may spoil the soup.
Serving the Delicious Soup
So many cooks miss out this vital element of presentation. You work hard preparing the food, but you need that little bit of extra effort to wow your guests.
First, pour into serving bowls, or leave in the saucepan if you intend to eat it al a carte (literally meaning – from the saucepan). Easier for sharing, but may be a bit too edgy for older people to enjoy.
Place some doilies (sort of mat thing) on the table if you have a table. If you don’t have a table, then – well – I don’t really know. Soup and lap spillage is a major cause of male infertility.
Pick a leaf of something, like off a tree or whatever, and sling it on top of the soup. This is not for eating, but it adds so much to the image of “top host” that you are conveying. I think it’s called a bouquet, might be a garnish. Place a mug in the middle of the table so your guests can put the garnish there once they have admired it.
Grab spoons and get stuck in!
So many cooks miss out this vital element of presentation. You work hard preparing the food, but you need that little bit of extra effort to wow your guests.
First, pour into serving bowls, or leave in the saucepan if you intend to eat it al a carte (literally meaning – from the saucepan). Easier for sharing, but may be a bit too edgy for older people to enjoy.
Place some doilies (sort of mat thing) on the table if you have a table. If you don’t have a table, then – well – I don’t really know. Soup and lap spillage is a major cause of male infertility.
Pick a leaf of something, like off a tree or whatever, and sling it on top of the soup. This is not for eating, but it adds so much to the image of “top host” that you are conveying. I think it’s called a bouquet, might be a garnish. Place a mug in the middle of the table so your guests can put the garnish there once they have admired it.
Grab spoons and get stuck in!
Summary
I hope you will enjoy this recipe and get as much pleasure from consuming a tin of tomato soup as I frequently do. Nourishing, stylish, sophisticated, energy-giving, beautiful, and exciting are just some words I have typed in.
Enjoy my soup recipe, it’s soupreme!
I hope you will enjoy this recipe and get as much pleasure from consuming a tin of tomato soup as I frequently do. Nourishing, stylish, sophisticated, energy-giving, beautiful, and exciting are just some words I have typed in.
Enjoy my soup recipe, it’s soupreme!