How About a Game of Fucking Scrabble?
For when there's fuck all else to do.
It’s the holidays. People are having fun — skiing, partying, drinking, and shopping. You have no money, no social life, and a cupboard full of thirty-year-old board games.
“Shall we get the Scrabble out?”
What the fuck? How did your life come to this? Only yesterday you were a young man, free of worldly cares. Or wordy cares. Save that for the fucking Scrabble. A motorbike, a strong constitution, and a feeling that you’d live forever.
Not once did you foresee a future where the only thing to do was play Scrabble.
“Yes, OK then, I’ll get the board.”
“Shall we get the Scrabble out?”
What the fuck? How did your life come to this? Only yesterday you were a young man, free of worldly cares. Or wordy cares. Save that for the fucking Scrabble. A motorbike, a strong constitution, and a feeling that you’d live forever.
Not once did you foresee a future where the only thing to do was play Scrabble.
“Yes, OK then, I’ll get the board.”
It’s in the cupboard, underneath the Monopoly. We played Monopoly once? Surely not. You buy these games thinking to relive your past, forgetting how boring it all was before the internet. When spending all day playing Monopoly was a way to relieve, rather than increase, the tedium.
First thing to do when playing Scrabble is to establish the rules. “You get fifty for using all your letters.”
“Fuck off.”
“No, you do — it’s here…” and you start reading the rule book. Did they always print the words so small?
Eventually you decide it was fifty (or not), and the draw for the tiles starts.
First thing to do when playing Scrabble is to establish the rules. “You get fifty for using all your letters.”
“Fuck off.”
“No, you do — it’s here…” and you start reading the rule book. Did they always print the words so small?
Eventually you decide it was fifty (or not), and the draw for the tiles starts.
“Do we toss a coin?”
“No. Fuck right off. You each choose a letter, and the one with the highest letter starts.”
“So who chooses first?”
Jesus, give me fucking strength. It must be a wind-up. No one can be this stupid. On the plus side, I will fuck them royally when we eventually start playing the game. Not after. Those days are long gone. Along with self-respect, peace, and a general sense of well-being.
“You choose first” (you cunt). We don’t say that out loud, although it is allowed in Scrabble. Oh, to put that word down and glare at your opponent.
“It’s your turn.” You have waited for an hour. It’s actually five minutes, but these days five minutes is an age. You could watch 30 video shorts in that amount of time.
They put down BAT and draw some letters. Your turn to ponder.
“No. Fuck right off. You each choose a letter, and the one with the highest letter starts.”
“So who chooses first?”
Jesus, give me fucking strength. It must be a wind-up. No one can be this stupid. On the plus side, I will fuck them royally when we eventually start playing the game. Not after. Those days are long gone. Along with self-respect, peace, and a general sense of well-being.
“You choose first” (you cunt). We don’t say that out loud, although it is allowed in Scrabble. Oh, to put that word down and glare at your opponent.
“It’s your turn.” You have waited for an hour. It’s actually five minutes, but these days five minutes is an age. You could watch 30 video shorts in that amount of time.
They put down BAT and draw some letters. Your turn to ponder.
“Hurry the fuck up.”
“I’m thinking.”
“Think faster.”
I can’t think if you’re fucking talking. There we are. You triumphantly change BAT to BATS by adding ASSIGN at the end.
“You missed the double.”
“Fuck the double. What’s the fucking score?”
Time for mental arithmetic. Brain last used several years ago. Write down numbers and use fingers.
“87.”
“Bollocks is it.”
“I’m thinking.”
“Think faster.”
I can’t think if you’re fucking talking. There we are. You triumphantly change BAT to BATS by adding ASSIGN at the end.
“You missed the double.”
“Fuck the double. What’s the fucking score?”
Time for mental arithmetic. Brain last used several years ago. Write down numbers and use fingers.
“87.”
“Bollocks is it.”
A game of Scrabble can last longer than a marriage at holiday time. Eventually, you get to the end. Single letters are added as the hours tick by.
You have been ahead all game. Somehow, once the scores are totted up, you lose.
“For fuck’s sake.”
“The cat needs to come in.”
“OK, OK, I’ll go. I fucking won though.”
“Fuck off.”
You have been ahead all game. Somehow, once the scores are totted up, you lose.
“For fuck’s sake.”
“The cat needs to come in.”
“OK, OK, I’ll go. I fucking won though.”
“Fuck off.”