How To Behave At A Writer's Party
With the increasing excitement about my writing, I expect to be invited to soirées and evenings with giants of literature. Although some of them are noticeably shorter.
Many of the top authors are university-educated. They hold degrees in subjects you can’t even understand. They talk freely, and incessantly, with language that separates them from normal people.
How to mix with such people? One word out of place, a clumsy remark, or an attempt to touch one of the ladies — and it could be game over.
I have worked on a plan to appear more cleverer than I am.
Here it is.
Many of the top authors are university-educated. They hold degrees in subjects you can’t even understand. They talk freely, and incessantly, with language that separates them from normal people.
How to mix with such people? One word out of place, a clumsy remark, or an attempt to touch one of the ladies — and it could be game over.
I have worked on a plan to appear more cleverer than I am.
Here it is.
Say nothing: I mean, virtually nothing at all. Let them talk in their fancy ways. Agree with everything they say. When you disagree with people, they naturally assume you’re a moron. So don’t disagree.
Silence: Maintain a superior silence. Pretend to have lofty thoughts in your head. Conversation is an irritant to those thoughts. Be polite enough to nod at various points in their sentences. Don’t overdo the nodding — every seventeen words is a good number to aim for.
Facial expressions: A raised eyebrow (practice in the mirror) conveys dignity. A thoughtfully pursed lip. Widening or narrowing the eyes. Don’t do all these at the same time.
Mouth shut: Keep your mouth closed. No one respects air-breathers or British dental care. The more you say, the more you reveal your true self. Never good to reveal too much, as the policeman said to the streaker. An example of what NOT to say as the wine is passed around.
Spoken expressions: Use short expressions sparingly. Choose moments when they eventually pause for breath.
Words like “Interesting,” “My oh my,” “Aha,” “I see,” and “Exactly” — use these, but no more. Never, repeat, never, launch into one of your own thoughts and deliver a twenty-second ramble of garbage.
The correct pose: Adopt a writer’s pose. One hand in your pocket, the other holds a pipe. Legs at an angle — murder on the calves but worth it. Tilt your head back and to the right, letting your gaze drift out of focus. Maintain this throughout the evening.
What to wear: A writer’s sports jacket with leatherette iron-on elbow patches. A pair of yellow corduroy trousers. Brown leather-look shoes with Velcro straps. I’m getting a bow tie as soon as the tailor’s shop displays them outside the glass cabinet.
Beware other players: There will be other people like you, playing the game. Talking with them is pointless.
Example:
Person A: “Interesting.”
Person B: “Aha.”
And on it will go. This can waste valuable glad-handing time.
No pickups: There are female writers. All of them have strong opinions, and they’re free to express them. Keep your hands in your trouser pockets and on your pipe.
Silence: Maintain a superior silence. Pretend to have lofty thoughts in your head. Conversation is an irritant to those thoughts. Be polite enough to nod at various points in their sentences. Don’t overdo the nodding — every seventeen words is a good number to aim for.
Facial expressions: A raised eyebrow (practice in the mirror) conveys dignity. A thoughtfully pursed lip. Widening or narrowing the eyes. Don’t do all these at the same time.
Mouth shut: Keep your mouth closed. No one respects air-breathers or British dental care. The more you say, the more you reveal your true self. Never good to reveal too much, as the policeman said to the streaker. An example of what NOT to say as the wine is passed around.
Spoken expressions: Use short expressions sparingly. Choose moments when they eventually pause for breath.
Words like “Interesting,” “My oh my,” “Aha,” “I see,” and “Exactly” — use these, but no more. Never, repeat, never, launch into one of your own thoughts and deliver a twenty-second ramble of garbage.
The correct pose: Adopt a writer’s pose. One hand in your pocket, the other holds a pipe. Legs at an angle — murder on the calves but worth it. Tilt your head back and to the right, letting your gaze drift out of focus. Maintain this throughout the evening.
What to wear: A writer’s sports jacket with leatherette iron-on elbow patches. A pair of yellow corduroy trousers. Brown leather-look shoes with Velcro straps. I’m getting a bow tie as soon as the tailor’s shop displays them outside the glass cabinet.
Beware other players: There will be other people like you, playing the game. Talking with them is pointless.
Example:
Person A: “Interesting.”
Person B: “Aha.”
And on it will go. This can waste valuable glad-handing time.
No pickups: There are female writers. All of them have strong opinions, and they’re free to express them. Keep your hands in your trouser pockets and on your pipe.
Why go to these things?
Awards ceremonies — Oscars, Grammys, etc. — consist of rich, entitled people giving prizes to their friends. Due to charity and tax regulations, there are sometimes trinkets for the lower classes.
You might get lucky. It’s like getting a Boost, but from Leonardo DiCabriolet. Don’t turn your back on him.
If you get an award, appear humble and grateful. Think scruffy street-urchin with a bright shiny coin in his grubby working-class hand.
Summary
One mistake at a writer’s evening could wreck your career. Keep your wits about you and an eye on your wallet. Not all of them are making the big bucks.
Awards ceremonies — Oscars, Grammys, etc. — consist of rich, entitled people giving prizes to their friends. Due to charity and tax regulations, there are sometimes trinkets for the lower classes.
You might get lucky. It’s like getting a Boost, but from Leonardo DiCabriolet. Don’t turn your back on him.
If you get an award, appear humble and grateful. Think scruffy street-urchin with a bright shiny coin in his grubby working-class hand.
Summary
One mistake at a writer’s evening could wreck your career. Keep your wits about you and an eye on your wallet. Not all of them are making the big bucks.