How To Market Yourself on the Internet
Originally written for a writing site where the engagement game was an essential part of writing life.
Hey there!
Many of you will know me by now. Author of works such as Moleskin Notebook and My New Writer's Jacket — I am embarking on a multi-media campaign to spread the message.
There are over a hundred million active users on this site, and I have met at least twenty of them. My publicist has suggested we can increase those numbers. By “we,” she means me. It’s my voice we’re selling, and we’re going to use my voice to do it. She is behind the scenes, driving the vision while I am the star. That’s how she describes it.
When she talks, I find myself in complete agreement. Once the meeting is over, I begin to wonder. But at her rates, it would be foolish to go back in and ask for another ten minutes.
Many of you will know me by now. Author of works such as Moleskin Notebook and My New Writer's Jacket — I am embarking on a multi-media campaign to spread the message.
There are over a hundred million active users on this site, and I have met at least twenty of them. My publicist has suggested we can increase those numbers. By “we,” she means me. It’s my voice we’re selling, and we’re going to use my voice to do it. She is behind the scenes, driving the vision while I am the star. That’s how she describes it.
When she talks, I find myself in complete agreement. Once the meeting is over, I begin to wonder. But at her rates, it would be foolish to go back in and ask for another ten minutes.
I get the gist. I’m not an idiot. It’s a matter of being seen. Shouting across media platforms — this site and others as yet unspecified. I haven’t told her I’m banned or shadow-banned from a number of popular sites.
They say they want you to post frequent links to your writings and then they get all uppity about it. Wish they’d make their minds up. I wrote quite a stern email to the owner of MySpace but of course, no reply.
We, or mostly me, are going to start spreading the word. No more hiding my light under a bush. No more the shy, retiring Brit anxious to make the right impression with his inbred American cousins. It is time to unleash the inner me.
The child who exuberantly paraded himself naked in front of fellow classmates until it was beaten out of him. “We don’t tolerate that sort of thing” was the message. Way to hold back a gifted student!
They say they want you to post frequent links to your writings and then they get all uppity about it. Wish they’d make their minds up. I wrote quite a stern email to the owner of MySpace but of course, no reply.
We, or mostly me, are going to start spreading the word. No more hiding my light under a bush. No more the shy, retiring Brit anxious to make the right impression with his inbred American cousins. It is time to unleash the inner me.
The child who exuberantly paraded himself naked in front of fellow classmates until it was beaten out of him. “We don’t tolerate that sort of thing” was the message. Way to hold back a gifted student!
Nowadays, I am naked merely in thought. In the words I place before my grateful readers. In the feelings I lay bare, revealing a deeper and sometimes darker side.
To be honest, it’s only the writing that keeps me grounded. If it wasn’t for this outlet, I don’t know what I’d do. That temptation to draw things to a close is ever-present. Pull the curtains together, grab your grandfather’s antique shotgun from the mantelpiece, and say “Goodbye, cruel world.”
Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. I’d have to beat my own brains out with it, which would be amusing in a way. Might make a quirky headline and generate interest in the latest masterpiece I’m flogging.
Whoops! Nearly went down the wrong hole, as they say. This piece is selling a new world, a world of me and my forthcoming piece. No time for doubts in marketing. They don’t say, “Buy this, it’s not very good, but if you don’t, the company will collapse.”
Marketing people say it’s the best damn thing since sliced bread. Essential. New. Now. Power words.
To be honest, it’s only the writing that keeps me grounded. If it wasn’t for this outlet, I don’t know what I’d do. That temptation to draw things to a close is ever-present. Pull the curtains together, grab your grandfather’s antique shotgun from the mantelpiece, and say “Goodbye, cruel world.”
Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. I’d have to beat my own brains out with it, which would be amusing in a way. Might make a quirky headline and generate interest in the latest masterpiece I’m flogging.
Whoops! Nearly went down the wrong hole, as they say. This piece is selling a new world, a world of me and my forthcoming piece. No time for doubts in marketing. They don’t say, “Buy this, it’s not very good, but if you don’t, the company will collapse.”
Marketing people say it’s the best damn thing since sliced bread. Essential. New. Now. Power words.
Here we go. Final closer. Call to action. Engage and uplift. Just one problem.
I’m British. My publicist doesn’t seem to get that. Quite annoyed last time. Not selling myself enough. Quaint formality and politeness not big in her world. Controlled aggression is more her style. Turns me on if I’m honest. Main reason I keep going back. It’s not as if there’s a hope in hell of me selling anything.
I’ll do my best. At some point in the future, I’m going to write something quite good. It might be worth a look. I can’t guarantee that, so accept my apologies if it doesn’t work out.
She says I need to gain subscribers. Max out my potential. Why don’t they talk like normal people? She gets cross when I demur. Even typing “demur” is enough to set her off again. It’s not a power word apparently.
I’m British. My publicist doesn’t seem to get that. Quite annoyed last time. Not selling myself enough. Quaint formality and politeness not big in her world. Controlled aggression is more her style. Turns me on if I’m honest. Main reason I keep going back. It’s not as if there’s a hope in hell of me selling anything.
I’ll do my best. At some point in the future, I’m going to write something quite good. It might be worth a look. I can’t guarantee that, so accept my apologies if it doesn’t work out.
She says I need to gain subscribers. Max out my potential. Why don’t they talk like normal people? She gets cross when I demur. Even typing “demur” is enough to set her off again. It’s not a power word apparently.
If it’s not too much trouble, there is a subscriber button below. It means more of this sort of thing ends up in your email. Don’t worry — it’s easy to delete. Although if you have one of those phones that pings when you get a mail — if that’s even a thing — it could be really irritating. So I wouldn’t bother, to be honest. We all get way too much spam.
I’ll just leave it laying there. Job done. The whole thing was rather embarrassing.
Subscribe or don’t.
I’ll just leave it laying there. Job done. The whole thing was rather embarrassing.
Subscribe or don’t.
Final note: This piece was originally written for somewhere where they did have a subscribe button. It is even more pointless on here. No subscribe button you see.