A page of law puns and legal humor.

Law and the legal profession will touch our lives at one point or another.  From buying a house to getting divorced, there is little chance of avoiding lawyers, no matter how much we might want to.

One of the oldest professions, it arrived soon after possessions and marriage.

It is useful during lengthy legal proceedings to keep awake with a few funny puns.  Our professional team will be pleased to present you with an estimate of expected costs.

Unlike some legal documents this pun page is not written in Latin.  Normal people can read it without incurring a headache.

The court is now in session. ​All rise for the puns.

become a defense lawyer - can't see the appeal
​collective noun: An invoice of lawyers
disbarred barrister - barista

embarrassed lawyer - "judge saw through my briefs"
escaped prisoner didn't finish his sen...
executioner pun was gallows humor

​got my sandwiches out - another open and shut case
hangman's bungee rope was fake noose
incontinent lawyers regularly check their briefs

Jesus on trial - "As God is my witness"
lawfare - conducting warfare via the law
​law is respected, unlike soliciting

legal lovers - courting couple
​no bail for jailbird - flight risk
short trial - briefcase

scary legal female - mother-in-law
​schoolkids suing - class action
smart jacket - lawsuit

toilet accident in court - judge said "I hold you incontinent"
toucans and lawyers? - both got large bills

If you can't do the time - don't do the crime
​I'll be the judge of that - make your own decisions
​One law for the rich and another for the poor - you get the justice you can afford

The long arm of the law - they will reach you eventually
The only thing more expensive than a good lawyer is a bad lawyer
You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb - aim high

Attorney the Hun - ancient legal empire
Christian Bail - actor
​​D.A.Baracus - A-Team lawyer

Pro Bono - U2
​Constable - painter
​Judge Dredd - fictional action judge

Saul Goodman - Bob Odenkirk delivers
​​Jude Law - actor
Omar Sheriff - actor

Brief Encounter - love and life are tough
Legally Blonde - sorority queen becomes a lawyer
​Kramer v Kramer - divorce custody battle

Police Squad - Frank Drebin catches the bad guy
​The Executioner's Song - Gary Gilmore
The Rainmaker - Matt Damon v insurance firm
​
Twelve Angry Men - courtroom drama

Many important legal precedents have been established over the centuries. 

Here are some of them.

Coles Law - instant salad to add to burgers
Law of Diminishing Returns - the more you try the less you get
Murphy's Law - if toast falls to the floor it will land butter side down
​
Poe's Law - parody can be mistaken for sincerity
Sod's Law - similar to Murphy's Law but with more legal emphasis and less toast

ed: That's enough law

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Irish Stew.
Irish Stew who?
​Irish stew in the name of the law.

The judge who had no teeth - Justice Gums

My dad was a nun.
How come?
When he was up in court they asked for his occupation and he replied "none"

State of Georgia vs Denver Fenton Allen - verbatim, hilarious and very rude arraignment extract.

There are thousands of lawyer jokes out there.  Many come from disgruntlement but not all of them include humor.  Here are a few that made me smile.

You're an expensive lawyer.  If I give you $250 will you answer a couple of questions for me?
Sure.  What's the second question?

Wanted to sue the airline for damaged luggage.
Lawyer said I didn't have much of a case.

Difference between a tick and a lawyer.
The tick falls off when you die.

Divorce lawyer: I have bad news and worse news.  Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars
Customer: That's bad news?
Divorce lawyer: It's of you and your mistress

There are two types of lawyer.  Those that know the law and those that know the judge.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 130?
Your Honor. 
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Senator.

eBono - cut price law
LawBook - share life with friends and family
OnlyLawyers - for legal titillation

​SnapShut - case is closed
​TikTok - time is money
Writter (now X) - read other people's writs

30 Days In The Hole - Humble Pie
Breaking The Law - Judas Priest
Gallows Pole - Led Zeppelin
​
I Shot the Sheriff - Bob Marley
Peggy Sue - Buddy Holly

Some handy words for making puns about the legal world.

appeal, attorney, bail, brief, case, contempt, court, damages, defend, exhibit, judge, jury, justice, law, lawsuit, lawyer, legal, prison, prosecute, sentence, sue, trial, try, witness, verdict

The evidence has been submitted, proceedings are closed and it is time to wait for the court of public opinion to reach its verdict.

Meanwhile a large bill will be drawn up and sent to you for services incurred during the presentation of this page.