Parish Council Newsletter
An occasional spoof newsletter written in the style of English Parish councils up and down the land.
Parish News September 2024
From your Parish Chairperson — M. Ewbie.
Delighted to welcome new arrivals to the village recently. Although these people may look different to us, we are a warm and open society. Hope to see many of them — and there are many of them! — at the local Parish meetings in due course.
A reminder to all that we prefer not to have the smell of curry wafting up the High Street on a Sunday afternoon. Keep those windows closed, please!
All villagers are reminded that shrubbery must be maintained to prevent overhang onto public highways. The Parish Secretary sustained a nasty rose thorn injury in a recent incident. Without singling anyone out, perhaps Mr. Smith of №47 would like a pair of secateurs in his Xmas stocking!
Our Stop Climate Change actions continue as planned. An expired bulb in the meeting room was recently replaced with a brand new “LED” version. Plans are afoot to purchase an additional wastepaper bin to separate clean recyclables from cans of fizzy pop. If we can convince the curry makers to reduce their emissions in a similar parish-minded manner, we will all be very happy.
The purchase of a new diesel 4x4 by a resident has not gone unnoticed. Local school children have been busy drawing posters showing shocked faces engulfed in smog. These will be posted around the neighborhood where the vehicle is usually parked.
Shocking news from the recreation playground where tales of semi-naked cavorting and loud noises have been reported. Miss Evans, who through no fault of her own is a single mother, is asked to keep a closer eye on those toddlers.
The Bring and Buy sale in aid of Stop World Hunger Now raised £15.47. This will be sent to the campaign organizers as soon as the Treasurer returns from their round-the-world cruise. A holiday we are looking forward to hearing about at the next W.I. meeting (refreshments provided).
The issue with dog mess being left at the corner of Bay Road has been resolved. The dog died last Wednesday. There will be no need to keep raising this issue at council meetings. Case closed!
The Remembrance Day Service will be held as usual with two minutes’ silence for the fallen. Please keep those windows closed during the ceremony of the laying of the wreaths.
Plans to paint the zebra crossing in the colors of the rainbow flag have run into opposition from the Transport Authority. We are considering taking this request to our new local MP, who will no doubt welcome a real issue to get her teeth into.
Lastly, but not leastly, the Parish Council welcomes a limited amount of engagement from parishioners. If there are issues you have, or more importantly, help you can offer — our phone lines are always open. 10 am — 11:30 am Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Delighted to welcome new arrivals to the village recently. Although these people may look different to us, we are a warm and open society. Hope to see many of them — and there are many of them! — at the local Parish meetings in due course.
A reminder to all that we prefer not to have the smell of curry wafting up the High Street on a Sunday afternoon. Keep those windows closed, please!
All villagers are reminded that shrubbery must be maintained to prevent overhang onto public highways. The Parish Secretary sustained a nasty rose thorn injury in a recent incident. Without singling anyone out, perhaps Mr. Smith of №47 would like a pair of secateurs in his Xmas stocking!
Our Stop Climate Change actions continue as planned. An expired bulb in the meeting room was recently replaced with a brand new “LED” version. Plans are afoot to purchase an additional wastepaper bin to separate clean recyclables from cans of fizzy pop. If we can convince the curry makers to reduce their emissions in a similar parish-minded manner, we will all be very happy.
The purchase of a new diesel 4x4 by a resident has not gone unnoticed. Local school children have been busy drawing posters showing shocked faces engulfed in smog. These will be posted around the neighborhood where the vehicle is usually parked.
Shocking news from the recreation playground where tales of semi-naked cavorting and loud noises have been reported. Miss Evans, who through no fault of her own is a single mother, is asked to keep a closer eye on those toddlers.
The Bring and Buy sale in aid of Stop World Hunger Now raised £15.47. This will be sent to the campaign organizers as soon as the Treasurer returns from their round-the-world cruise. A holiday we are looking forward to hearing about at the next W.I. meeting (refreshments provided).
The issue with dog mess being left at the corner of Bay Road has been resolved. The dog died last Wednesday. There will be no need to keep raising this issue at council meetings. Case closed!
The Remembrance Day Service will be held as usual with two minutes’ silence for the fallen. Please keep those windows closed during the ceremony of the laying of the wreaths.
Plans to paint the zebra crossing in the colors of the rainbow flag have run into opposition from the Transport Authority. We are considering taking this request to our new local MP, who will no doubt welcome a real issue to get her teeth into.
Lastly, but not leastly, the Parish Council welcomes a limited amount of engagement from parishioners. If there are issues you have, or more importantly, help you can offer — our phone lines are always open. 10 am — 11:30 am Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Parish News - US Election Special
From your Parish Chairperson — M. Ewbie
Greetings, residents!
We in this parish do not normally enter the world of politics. But on this solemn occasion, I feel obliged to speak up for all parishioners.
I realize many of you will be in shock at the recent election of Donald Trump, the womanizing orange racist criminal. Twice impeached and facing jail, he has somehow managed to score more votes than his opponent, whose name I temporarily forget. Democracy gone wrong, in my opinion.
We did not send young men into wars to fight for working-class people to vote the wrong way. Nor did we send them to allow a silent invasion of our own country — a subject for a subsequent newsletter, no doubt.
I have decided the parish will not be flying the American flag, as is our tradition when a new US president is elected. Instead, we will be displaying the Black Lives Matter Rainbow Alliance and Ukraine design brilliantly created by our local schoolchildren.
Should Mr. Trump’s motorcade pass through our village, he will be greeted with our symbol of defiance — a message I know all decent parishioners will support.
In other news
The practice of eating fish and chips on the streets, a filthy habit, has led to random acts of littering. There are two regularly emptied litter bins on the High Street. Please use them.
Parents of young children are reminded that older people do not want to hear loud noises as they walk to and from school. Some of our older residents feel threatened and alarmed by the noise of these young people with their exuberant behaviour.
Similarly, the playing of pop music late into the evening is of concern. I myself have heard the swimsuit-clad Taylor Swift yodelling from open windows in Bay Road well past 9 pm. If you like this stuff so much, Ms. Evans, please buy some headphones.
The dead cat on the corner of Meadow Lane has finally been removed by hazardous waste specialists. If anyone knows the owner of the cat, there is a disposal fee outstanding.
The Xmas Quiz Night is planned for the 25th of November, starting promptly at 7 pm in the Village Hall. Tickets are available from the Parish Clerk. Always fun. Bring non-alcoholic refreshments and light snacks. We ask that team names be submitted in advance after last year’s embarrassment. “Norfolk and Chance” slipped through our vetting procedure. The offenders have been banned from this year’s event.
The owner of the diesel 4x4 mentioned in last month’s newsletter has now left the parish. Our poster campaign appears to have worked, so well done to all. Another success for local politics and a riposte to those who say the Parish never achieves anything.
The unseemly outbreak of shouting at the recent Council meeting has been resolved. The cause turned out to be two flat batteries in a couple of deaf-aids. Those wearing them were having a conversation that may have sounded, to the casual observer, like shouting. It had nothing to do with the Parish proposal for a voluntary resident payment to assist with funding. The gutter press has blown this out of proportion.
Plans for Net Zero by 2095 are progressing well. One of our residents has recently replaced their vehicle with a Chinese BYD model. This state-of-the-art machine can travel nearly 30 miles on a single charge! There will be a talk on this extraordinary vehicle at our next W.I. meeting. The speaker will be Fred Mullins of Mullins Electric Cars, your local friendly supplier.
The new arrivals to the village are settling in well. They are slowly learning our ways. If you see them acting oddly, don’t hesitate to reach out and explain gently where they are going wrong. Tolerance within reason should be our motto.
The Parish Council welcomes limited engagement from parishioners. If you feel you can help the council, please ring during office hours: 10 am — 11:30 am, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
The next newsletter will be the Winter Holiday edition. The word “Xmas” has been dropped after a council vote on the matter. I was outvoted on the issue, but I accept the result. That’s real democracy — something the orange baboon might like to take note of.
Greetings, residents!
We in this parish do not normally enter the world of politics. But on this solemn occasion, I feel obliged to speak up for all parishioners.
I realize many of you will be in shock at the recent election of Donald Trump, the womanizing orange racist criminal. Twice impeached and facing jail, he has somehow managed to score more votes than his opponent, whose name I temporarily forget. Democracy gone wrong, in my opinion.
We did not send young men into wars to fight for working-class people to vote the wrong way. Nor did we send them to allow a silent invasion of our own country — a subject for a subsequent newsletter, no doubt.
I have decided the parish will not be flying the American flag, as is our tradition when a new US president is elected. Instead, we will be displaying the Black Lives Matter Rainbow Alliance and Ukraine design brilliantly created by our local schoolchildren.
Should Mr. Trump’s motorcade pass through our village, he will be greeted with our symbol of defiance — a message I know all decent parishioners will support.
In other news
The practice of eating fish and chips on the streets, a filthy habit, has led to random acts of littering. There are two regularly emptied litter bins on the High Street. Please use them.
Parents of young children are reminded that older people do not want to hear loud noises as they walk to and from school. Some of our older residents feel threatened and alarmed by the noise of these young people with their exuberant behaviour.
Similarly, the playing of pop music late into the evening is of concern. I myself have heard the swimsuit-clad Taylor Swift yodelling from open windows in Bay Road well past 9 pm. If you like this stuff so much, Ms. Evans, please buy some headphones.
The dead cat on the corner of Meadow Lane has finally been removed by hazardous waste specialists. If anyone knows the owner of the cat, there is a disposal fee outstanding.
The Xmas Quiz Night is planned for the 25th of November, starting promptly at 7 pm in the Village Hall. Tickets are available from the Parish Clerk. Always fun. Bring non-alcoholic refreshments and light snacks. We ask that team names be submitted in advance after last year’s embarrassment. “Norfolk and Chance” slipped through our vetting procedure. The offenders have been banned from this year’s event.
The owner of the diesel 4x4 mentioned in last month’s newsletter has now left the parish. Our poster campaign appears to have worked, so well done to all. Another success for local politics and a riposte to those who say the Parish never achieves anything.
The unseemly outbreak of shouting at the recent Council meeting has been resolved. The cause turned out to be two flat batteries in a couple of deaf-aids. Those wearing them were having a conversation that may have sounded, to the casual observer, like shouting. It had nothing to do with the Parish proposal for a voluntary resident payment to assist with funding. The gutter press has blown this out of proportion.
Plans for Net Zero by 2095 are progressing well. One of our residents has recently replaced their vehicle with a Chinese BYD model. This state-of-the-art machine can travel nearly 30 miles on a single charge! There will be a talk on this extraordinary vehicle at our next W.I. meeting. The speaker will be Fred Mullins of Mullins Electric Cars, your local friendly supplier.
The new arrivals to the village are settling in well. They are slowly learning our ways. If you see them acting oddly, don’t hesitate to reach out and explain gently where they are going wrong. Tolerance within reason should be our motto.
The Parish Council welcomes limited engagement from parishioners. If you feel you can help the council, please ring during office hours: 10 am — 11:30 am, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
The next newsletter will be the Winter Holiday edition. The word “Xmas” has been dropped after a council vote on the matter. I was outvoted on the issue, but I accept the result. That’s real democracy — something the orange baboon might like to take note of.
Parish News - November 2024
From your Parish Chairperson — M. Ewbie.
This is an exceptional newsletter, released well before the usual time in December, the much-loved Xmas edition.
Due to what seems to be a breakout of civil disobedience, I find myself setting pen to paper in regrettable circumstances.
As your Parish Chair and in association with the Neighborhood Watch, I hope my words will be considered carefully by those intent on disrupting our village life.
These are the issues that concerned residents raised at the last Council Meeting.
Fish and chips: These are STILL being consumed in the open. On one occasion, a half-bag of chips was left lying in the road. Mrs. Abbot’s terrier dog ate most of them before being violently sick. Bins and manners, people, please.
Vandalism: The plaque commemorating one of our much-loved residents has been vandalized again. Sheila Higgins was one of the country’s leading vivisectionists, and it was a personal crusade of mine to erect a plaque honoring her name.
Parking: The double yellow lines in front of the Meeting Hall are there for a reason. It is not a disabled drop-off point. If you are unable to walk five minutes from the car park, it is hard to see what use you will be in the meeting.
Teenagers: We were all young once. We didn’t spend our time hanging around the recreation area drinking caffeinated drinks and vaping. A new sign will be funded by the council to prevent this from occurring again.
Practical Jokes: One of our young residents has been filming themselves creating a nuisance, and posting the results on the YouTube internet site. Of particular concern is the willful misuse of Coop shopping trolleys. Despite numerous requests, the police have so far failed to act. If you see this youngster, please continue to report them. Their internet “handle” is “DazBumpStar.” His real name is Jake Mellon.
Dog Mess: Still occurring on the corner of Belville Road. This needs to be stamped on. Bins are provided at the other end of the village.
It’s not all bad news here in the Parish!
The Quiz night was a roaring success, raising nearly over five pounds for English Homeless Itinerants.
The flower competition was won for the fifth year running by Mr. Hedges, proprietor of Hedges Garden Centre. Well done, Mr. Hedges!
A talk by Dr. Carmichael, chief vivisectionist for Pfizer Research, was well received by the ladies of the W.I. Delicious cakes in the shape of cute animals were provided by the Coop.
An urgent opening has arisen for a Parish Clerk. The immediate replacement for Mrs. Romans will be capable of taking simple dictation and following reasonable requests without hysterical reactions. Apply to the usual phone number.
The Parish Council welcomes sensible engagement from parishioners. To discuss issues with a member of staff — ring our phone line during the permitted times: 10 am — 11:30 am, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
This is an exceptional newsletter, released well before the usual time in December, the much-loved Xmas edition.
Due to what seems to be a breakout of civil disobedience, I find myself setting pen to paper in regrettable circumstances.
As your Parish Chair and in association with the Neighborhood Watch, I hope my words will be considered carefully by those intent on disrupting our village life.
These are the issues that concerned residents raised at the last Council Meeting.
Fish and chips: These are STILL being consumed in the open. On one occasion, a half-bag of chips was left lying in the road. Mrs. Abbot’s terrier dog ate most of them before being violently sick. Bins and manners, people, please.
Vandalism: The plaque commemorating one of our much-loved residents has been vandalized again. Sheila Higgins was one of the country’s leading vivisectionists, and it was a personal crusade of mine to erect a plaque honoring her name.
Parking: The double yellow lines in front of the Meeting Hall are there for a reason. It is not a disabled drop-off point. If you are unable to walk five minutes from the car park, it is hard to see what use you will be in the meeting.
Teenagers: We were all young once. We didn’t spend our time hanging around the recreation area drinking caffeinated drinks and vaping. A new sign will be funded by the council to prevent this from occurring again.
Practical Jokes: One of our young residents has been filming themselves creating a nuisance, and posting the results on the YouTube internet site. Of particular concern is the willful misuse of Coop shopping trolleys. Despite numerous requests, the police have so far failed to act. If you see this youngster, please continue to report them. Their internet “handle” is “DazBumpStar.” His real name is Jake Mellon.
Dog Mess: Still occurring on the corner of Belville Road. This needs to be stamped on. Bins are provided at the other end of the village.
It’s not all bad news here in the Parish!
The Quiz night was a roaring success, raising nearly over five pounds for English Homeless Itinerants.
The flower competition was won for the fifth year running by Mr. Hedges, proprietor of Hedges Garden Centre. Well done, Mr. Hedges!
A talk by Dr. Carmichael, chief vivisectionist for Pfizer Research, was well received by the ladies of the W.I. Delicious cakes in the shape of cute animals were provided by the Coop.
An urgent opening has arisen for a Parish Clerk. The immediate replacement for Mrs. Romans will be capable of taking simple dictation and following reasonable requests without hysterical reactions. Apply to the usual phone number.
The Parish Council welcomes sensible engagement from parishioners. To discuss issues with a member of staff — ring our phone line during the permitted times: 10 am — 11:30 am, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.