Picking Up Women In Stores: Finding Love in the Veg Aisle
"Picking up women in stores" by Mark Ewbie
As a long-term single man with a bit of experience in love, I thought it would be helpful to share some tips for meeting women — what some might call “picking up chicks.” These suggestions have brought me a fair amount of success in the love department, if I may say so.
I’m not going to give you a list of “Ten Secrets to Finding Love” or anything as clichéd as that. Instead, I’ll offer practical advice on how a man and a woman can meet in a natural setting, with the hope of eventually leading to wining, dining, and romance.
If you’re a single male and tired of being a sad loser, read on. If you are a woman, you might find it useful to read this and be prepared for our tactics as we make a move in the freezer section.
I’m not going to give you a list of “Ten Secrets to Finding Love” or anything as clichéd as that. Instead, I’ll offer practical advice on how a man and a woman can meet in a natural setting, with the hope of eventually leading to wining, dining, and romance.
If you’re a single male and tired of being a sad loser, read on. If you are a woman, you might find it useful to read this and be prepared for our tactics as we make a move in the freezer section.
Preparation for the Love Trail
It’s no good staggering out of bed and heading straight to the store in your pajamas. In my experience, women don’t like men much, and they like men who smell bad even less. So, when you’re in the mood to impress a lady, you’re going to need to prepare yourself.
You should have a good wash, especially “down there,” and brush your teeth with proper toothpaste. It’s expensive, I know, but worth the effort. Alternatively, just spray some deodorant around and suck on a mint.
If you suffer from particularly bad breath, either see a dentist or practice talking out of the side of your mouth without looking directly at the woman.
Wear some decent-looking clothes — clean and tidy is the impression you want to create. Try to be aware of fashion trends — should that shirt be tucked in or left hanging out? Never wear a mac unless it’s raining, of course.
Once you’ve decided on your attire, it’s time to head to the hunting ground.
It’s no good staggering out of bed and heading straight to the store in your pajamas. In my experience, women don’t like men much, and they like men who smell bad even less. So, when you’re in the mood to impress a lady, you’re going to need to prepare yourself.
You should have a good wash, especially “down there,” and brush your teeth with proper toothpaste. It’s expensive, I know, but worth the effort. Alternatively, just spray some deodorant around and suck on a mint.
If you suffer from particularly bad breath, either see a dentist or practice talking out of the side of your mouth without looking directly at the woman.
Wear some decent-looking clothes — clean and tidy is the impression you want to create. Try to be aware of fashion trends — should that shirt be tucked in or left hanging out? Never wear a mac unless it’s raining, of course.
Once you’ve decided on your attire, it’s time to head to the hunting ground.
Which Supermarket for Love?
There’s a range of stores catering to different segments of society, from cheap to expensive, and the shoppers generally match the store they’re in. So, if you’re looking to romance a wealthy woman, it’s important to go to an upscale store. You don’t need to buy anything, just look like you might — otherwise, security might get suspicious.
Tip: If you do get questioned by in-store security, make sure you have some form of identification on you. This is a great time-saver and another reason not to wear pajamas.
The trouble with wealthy women is that they tend to be pickier, so I prefer to shop at more down-market places. This is also convenient for where I live.
Locality is important because if you do get lucky, you may want to take her straight home. I haven’t experienced this myself, but it would be handy to just walk or run around the corner and back to your place.
There’s a range of stores catering to different segments of society, from cheap to expensive, and the shoppers generally match the store they’re in. So, if you’re looking to romance a wealthy woman, it’s important to go to an upscale store. You don’t need to buy anything, just look like you might — otherwise, security might get suspicious.
Tip: If you do get questioned by in-store security, make sure you have some form of identification on you. This is a great time-saver and another reason not to wear pajamas.
The trouble with wealthy women is that they tend to be pickier, so I prefer to shop at more down-market places. This is also convenient for where I live.
Locality is important because if you do get lucky, you may want to take her straight home. I haven’t experienced this myself, but it would be handy to just walk or run around the corner and back to your place.
What Time of Day?
Timing is also important. You might wake up with a strong, er, desire to meet a woman and want to rush to the nearest store. But if it’s early in the morning, who will be shopping then? Probably grannies and shift workers — not the most fertile hunting ground, in my experience — although you might catch a half-asleep shift worker in the bacon section.
It’s much better to consider your area’s demographic and decide on the right time. The mums are shopping around midday, students around five-ish, and so on. Decide on your target audience and aim for that time.
Of course, if you’re still searching for love at a more advanced age, then granny time might be best after all.
Timing is also important. You might wake up with a strong, er, desire to meet a woman and want to rush to the nearest store. But if it’s early in the morning, who will be shopping then? Probably grannies and shift workers — not the most fertile hunting ground, in my experience — although you might catch a half-asleep shift worker in the bacon section.
It’s much better to consider your area’s demographic and decide on the right time. The mums are shopping around midday, students around five-ish, and so on. Decide on your target audience and aim for that time.
Of course, if you’re still searching for love at a more advanced age, then granny time might be best after all.
The Game Plan
The basic cover story is that you’re a perfectly sane and decent person out doing your shopping. You’re successful, sensible, humorous but not too silly, care about animals and the planet, and enjoy the finer things in life.
You are definitely not a slightly sad and shabby loser who finds it hard to make friends, meet women, keep a job, and so on. Honesty does not pay rewards in this game.
Try to enter the supermarket feeling like the person you would normally envy and hate. You are him for now.
The basic cover story is that you’re a perfectly sane and decent person out doing your shopping. You’re successful, sensible, humorous but not too silly, care about animals and the planet, and enjoy the finer things in life.
You are definitely not a slightly sad and shabby loser who finds it hard to make friends, meet women, keep a job, and so on. Honesty does not pay rewards in this game.
Try to enter the supermarket feeling like the person you would normally envy and hate. You are him for now.
Check Out the Big Game
You’re now there, nostrils flaring and senses primed. There are women here! Don’t get too excited or draw attention to yourself. Remember the cover: you’re just here to do a bit of shopping. So, do some in a casual manner.
Tip: Acting casual while on the hunt is a difficult trick to pull off. Practice in front of the mirror.
If you don’t have any money, you can still put stuff in your basket and then dump it in the next aisle. It’s quite impressive to look at products you couldn’t possibly afford, like salmon or even caviar, and ostentatiously pop them into your basket. A lady might notice and be impressed.
Tip: Use a basket, never a trolley. A trolley is difficult to maneuver when you’re trying to follow someone quickly or make a quick getaway. It can also make you look like a husband doing the shopping — a big no-no.
So, try the casual “I’m just here shopping” thing and see if anyone notices you. The chances are quite high that they won’t.
Let’s up the level a bit.
You’re now there, nostrils flaring and senses primed. There are women here! Don’t get too excited or draw attention to yourself. Remember the cover: you’re just here to do a bit of shopping. So, do some in a casual manner.
Tip: Acting casual while on the hunt is a difficult trick to pull off. Practice in front of the mirror.
If you don’t have any money, you can still put stuff in your basket and then dump it in the next aisle. It’s quite impressive to look at products you couldn’t possibly afford, like salmon or even caviar, and ostentatiously pop them into your basket. A lady might notice and be impressed.
Tip: Use a basket, never a trolley. A trolley is difficult to maneuver when you’re trying to follow someone quickly or make a quick getaway. It can also make you look like a husband doing the shopping — a big no-no.
So, try the casual “I’m just here shopping” thing and see if anyone notices you. The chances are quite high that they won’t.
Let’s up the level a bit.
Contact with a Lady of the Opposite Sex
If you spot a woman you find attractive or suspect she won’t mind the look of you — women aren’t always that fussy — then try to get within touching distance of her.
Tip: Don’t actually touch her at this stage. No matter how often I try, it has never led to success.
Within a couple of feet is fine. Now assess the situation. Which aisle are you in? What product is she looking at? If you’re in the feminine hygiene aisle, you’ve gone very badly wrong.
Sorry, I should have said earlier: choose non-gender-specific aisles to make your play — aisles where you can genuinely appear to be shopping.
If you spot a woman you find attractive or suspect she won’t mind the look of you — women aren’t always that fussy — then try to get within touching distance of her.
Tip: Don’t actually touch her at this stage. No matter how often I try, it has never led to success.
Within a couple of feet is fine. Now assess the situation. Which aisle are you in? What product is she looking at? If you’re in the feminine hygiene aisle, you’ve gone very badly wrong.
Sorry, I should have said earlier: choose non-gender-specific aisles to make your play — aisles where you can genuinely appear to be shopping.
Fruit and Veg: The Love Section
This is the top section for action. It’s at the front of the store, so not too far to walk. It’s easy to check out attractive women while pretending to look at some sort of vegetable or fruit. It’s also a fertile area — because fruit and vegetables are like the fertile parts of trees and plants — so there’s already a kind of hormonal romance vibe going on.
Now you need some close-range tactics.
This is the top section for action. It’s at the front of the store, so not too far to walk. It’s easy to check out attractive women while pretending to look at some sort of vegetable or fruit. It’s also a fertile area — because fruit and vegetables are like the fertile parts of trees and plants — so there’s already a kind of hormonal romance vibe going on.
Now you need some close-range tactics.
Conversational Approach
Conversation could be a good way to approach the target. “Those are fabulous melons,” or “I wonder what I could do with this cucumber” are not the right phrases. Most women aren’t fans of bawdy opening lines.
No, you need to try subtle lines. “I wonder whether these kiwis would work in a salad?” might be worth a try. Or “Apples are very good for you” could be a possibility. Whatever you say, you’ll need to think on your feet and do your best with the situation.
If she responds with a half-positive comment of her own, then you’re off to a good start. But don’t immediately ask for sex. Conversation with women takes time, and you may end up actually making a salad with kiwi in it.
Conversation could be a good way to approach the target. “Those are fabulous melons,” or “I wonder what I could do with this cucumber” are not the right phrases. Most women aren’t fans of bawdy opening lines.
No, you need to try subtle lines. “I wonder whether these kiwis would work in a salad?” might be worth a try. Or “Apples are very good for you” could be a possibility. Whatever you say, you’ll need to think on your feet and do your best with the situation.
If she responds with a half-positive comment of her own, then you’re off to a good start. But don’t immediately ask for sex. Conversation with women takes time, and you may end up actually making a salad with kiwi in it.
Physical Approach
Please note: This section, like the entire article, is intended to be humorous. Initiating physical contact with anyone, male or female, is wrong and inadvisable, as it can come across as threatening. Besides, some of the larger women might respond with a hefty blow to the extra-curriculars.
If you’re not up for conversation, a direct bodily approach may work. However, there are serious risks with this, so remember to keep your identification with you in case of any subsequent arrest.
A simple ‘accidental’ bump may be the start of a conversation. Even if she says, “What the hell are you doing?” it’s at least an opener. You’ve now met each other, and there are opportunities.
One tactic I’ve used with almost successful results is a sharp knock with the basket. The aim is to produce a mild abrasion that you then offer to cover with a plaster, which you conveniently have in your pocket. I tend to aim for the lower part of the thigh. This has had mixed results so far, but I have high hopes for the technique.
The benefits are that it’s quick, and generally, the conversation is short. I’m not a big fan of spending ten minutes of my valuable time talking about kiwi fruit only for her husband to show up.
Please note: This section, like the entire article, is intended to be humorous. Initiating physical contact with anyone, male or female, is wrong and inadvisable, as it can come across as threatening. Besides, some of the larger women might respond with a hefty blow to the extra-curriculars.
If you’re not up for conversation, a direct bodily approach may work. However, there are serious risks with this, so remember to keep your identification with you in case of any subsequent arrest.
A simple ‘accidental’ bump may be the start of a conversation. Even if she says, “What the hell are you doing?” it’s at least an opener. You’ve now met each other, and there are opportunities.
One tactic I’ve used with almost successful results is a sharp knock with the basket. The aim is to produce a mild abrasion that you then offer to cover with a plaster, which you conveniently have in your pocket. I tend to aim for the lower part of the thigh. This has had mixed results so far, but I have high hopes for the technique.
The benefits are that it’s quick, and generally, the conversation is short. I’m not a big fan of spending ten minutes of my valuable time talking about kiwi fruit only for her husband to show up.
If A Real Woman Approaches You
Sometimes, apparently, a woman might ask a man about something in the store. Maybe she needs help getting something off a tall shelf or wants to know if kiwi fruit works in a salad.
Watch out!! It’s a trap. You may have just met a woman on the prowl, so be very careful and guarded.
This hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve heard of this approach leading to marriage and babies — so be very careful. These women are often looking for different things than we are.
Sometimes, apparently, a woman might ask a man about something in the store. Maybe she needs help getting something off a tall shelf or wants to know if kiwi fruit works in a salad.
Watch out!! It’s a trap. You may have just met a woman on the prowl, so be very careful and guarded.
This hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve heard of this approach leading to marriage and babies — so be very careful. These women are often looking for different things than we are.
Conclusion
That’s about all I have to offer on supermarket shopping and finding women. I’m still honing these techniques myself, so there may be more advice to come at a later date.
Until then… Happy Shopping!
That’s about all I have to offer on supermarket shopping and finding women. I’m still honing these techniques myself, so there may be more advice to come at a later date.
Until then… Happy Shopping!