By appointment to her Majesty here is a set of puns from the royal punmeister.

Inspired by living under a monarchy and celebrating every time one of the Royal Family breaks wind, this gently mocking selection is suitable for Royalist and Republican alike.

Note for American cousins.  Republican means anti-monarchy in the UK.

​Let's see how far we can get before a date with the Royal Head Chopper.

Note for keen-eyed critics, not all references to Prince Charles have been changed to King Prince Charles.  That might be a small act of revolutionary defiance or laziness.

​Here are the puns.

actor - drama queen
carbon footprince - Prince Charles as he flies between climate change summits
​Coronation Virus - Prince Charles gets a cough

cutlery - silver spoon
​Ginge and Cringe - Harry and Meghan
​favorite fast food - Burger King

football team - Crystal Palace
me again - it's Meghan, again
misbehaving prince - having a bad heir day

Prince of Wokeness - Prince Harry since Meghan told him to have a social conscience
​​royal tea - Earl Grey
Royal Thighness - female Royal with hemline above the knee

salad - Coronation Chicken
shake hands with the people - the common touch
shellfish - King Prawn

​short servant - footman
untaxed royal wealth should be irregal
visiting Buckingham Palace was a peasant experience

A cat may look at a king - cats can do what they like
​Crown Jewels - tools - Cockney rhyming slang
Don't complain, never explain - Royal motto - good advice for anyone who has ongoing relationship with the gutter press

​​Heir and a spare - two Royal children
Megxit - when Harry and Meghan decided to step back from being full time Royals
Midas Touch - refers to King Midas who everything he touched turned to gold.  The Elon Musk of his day.

Casino Royale - James Bond
​Dukes of Hazzard - The General Lee
​My Name is Earl - karma
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​The Princess Diaries - whatever
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - comedy
​The King and I - musical

If you need an antidote to excessive media coverage of the Royals - Monty Python and the Holy Grail delivers lashings of ridicule.  Check out the Constitutional Peasants scene.

Emma Bunting - Spice Girl
Gerard Butler - actor
B B King - blues singer

​Don King - boxing promoter
​Elvis - the King
Stephen King - writer

​Lady Gaga - singer
​Prince - musician
Princess Nut Nuts - nickname for wife of Boris Johnson (ex UK Prime Minister)

​Queen - rock band
Queen Latifah - actress
Barbara Windsor - actress

Ancestry - well, one has to check
eBray - buy secondhand stuff and brag about it
Incestry - keep it in the Royal family

InstaFame - read it and weep, plebian influencers
LinkedIn - not required, job for life since birth
OnesFans - royal pics by subscription

SnapCastle - oh look, mines bigger than yours
​Tinder - for finding suitable applicants
YahTube - for songs about Hooray Henry's

Castles Made of Sand - beautiful Hendrix cover by Alice Phoebe Lou
​Common People - Pulp
​Dancing Queen - Abba

​Fanfare for the Common Man - ELP show what anthems should sound like
​God Save The Queen - Sex Pistols
​Killer Queen - Queen
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​Little Queenie - Chuck Berry
​Purple Reign - Prince

And...

Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine. Sadly and perhaps inevitably, Rage Against the Machine grew old and stopped raging.

Royalty and all it's trappings has a pretty long list of words that can be used in puns.  Here are some of them.

​bow, butler, castle, coronation, crown, curtsy, footman, heir, hereditary, king, kneel, majesty, monarch, monarchy, palace, peasant, prince, princess, queen, regal, reign, royal, rule, servants, throne

King Charles III.  Ex Prince Charles recently promoted.  An odd man who treated Diana appallingly. Friends with Sir Jimmy Saville (deceased), David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg.  Attended Davos (see WEF further down) using an electric car that was flown over for the occasion.  Charles is not much-loved by the British due to his perceived treatment of Diana.  A constant stream of positive propaganda will ensure King Charles III becomes tolerably popular.

Camilla.  The King's Consort or something.  Not allowed to marry Charles in the early days, forcing him to marry Diana and ensure an heir to the throne.  Meanwhile their love story endured before, during and after Diana.  No point in blaming people for affairs of the heart, Camilla plays her part well.

The Queen.  Reigned for 70 odd years.  Generally loved and respected even by those who want to see an end to the monarchy.  We don't say Queen of England or Queen Elizabeth the II to identify her from other Queens around the world.  She was simply the one Queen (to rule them all) until her death on 8th September 2022.

Prince Philip - Queen's late husband.  Fondly remembered by Great British Public for putting his foot in his mouth on foreign expeditions.   One of his gaffes was warning British students visiting China not to stay too long or they'll get slitty eyes.  Gaffe is a word used by our fawning media when the actual description for anyone else, Trump for example, would be racist remark.

Prince Andrew - friend of Jeffrey Epstein (deceased).  No plans to visit America in the near future.  Has not had a good press for a long while and is effectively now retired.

Prince Edward - slightly suspect Royal who is not seen much.

​Princess Anne - a jolly good sort.  A decent royal who you could probably have a nice cup of tea with.

Princess Diana.  Troublesome wife for Charles.   She had glamour, popularity and a desire to do something.  Died in French car crash.  Hugely popular with the sheeple.

Prince William - will one day be King.  That's how Royal birth works.  Don't bother applying.  Married to Kate Middleclass who has a mostly good press because she plays the part.

Prince Harry - will not be King.  Was a man of the people until Meghan appeared.  Has lost a lot of fans but gained a new set of woke ones who buy his caring about things act.  Many Brits preferred him when he wore a Nazi fancy dress costume and fooled around a lot.  He seemed like a normal person back then.

Meghan - not properly Royal.  Sorry about that Meg.

ed: That's enough Royals, you're not Oprah.

The Honours List is published at New Year and on the Queen's official birthday.  It consists of a large number of names who are awarded titles such as knighthoods and MBEs.

The media draws public attention to popular celebrities who get a mention.  There are also some good people who have worked all their lives for society who may get a lesser honour.

Elsewhere are the real awards.  For services to royalty and government, favors and backhanders, the power brokers are rewarded.  Civil servants who have obstructed democratic process throughout their careers will be knighted.  Top police and military are brought into the fold.  Media owners are rewarded for ensuring the right stories are promoted and the unfavourable ones buried.

Why hide the corruption of the system when you can do the whole thing in public and no one says a word?

On the plus side we don't have our votes miscounted.  That's because we don't get to have a vote.

Some people believe that the Royal Family and other world leaders are giant alien lizards.  These lizards or reptilian shape-shifters have control over humans and an unbreakable grip on power. 

Perhaps the most-famous proponent of this theory is David Icke. 

It is possible to go along with the theory to some extent.  A ruling global elite who are unaccountable to normal humans is not that farfetched, especially when they all chant the same mind-numbing phrases like Build Back Better and Net Zero.  The pointless democracy where poor people vote for leaders who are identical in their actions - left, right or center.

The Royals have no connection to democracy at all.

It is harder to believe these powerful people are actual lizards from a distant planet.  Although, have you ever touched their skin?  ​Me neither.

If you feel confused watching our ridiculous world leaders operating in lockstep to a single script, a belief in lizards may help.

Or maybe not.

If the royal reptilian connection is a little far-fetched for you, how about Royal connections with the world's puppet master?

An old picture (not shown, no copyright) shows Charles posing with Klaus Schwab  at the World Economic Forum in 1992.
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In 2006 Klaus Schwab was knighted for "services to UK interests and climate change". 

For those uninterested in such things they are of little consequence.  Others may wonder why the British Royal family feels obliged to ingratiate itself with and support the formation of an unelected world global government. 

​It cannot simply be Charles likes talking to trees.

At this point it is time to resign the Royal Commission.

Loyal subjects will note there are many other pun pages on this site of a more common nature.

​Don't forget to buy your Royal Souvenirs - available from ye olde gift shop at a very reasonable price.