Swearing in Church
When a modern church gets down with the kids
Vicar: That was Hymn number 245 — Plough the Fucking Fields and Scatter. Now sit your asses down.
The regular churchgoers and a number of young offenders, here as part of their rehabilitation, sit their asses down. A sotto voce “Wanker” comes from one of the lads.
Vicar: On this precious Sunday, the third after Epiphany, we remember the good deeds of our Good Lord.
“Tell us about the fishes,” comes a shout. “Yeah, fishes,” says someone else. It’s a popular story. And for this storyteller, the only one I know.
The regular churchgoers and a number of young offenders, here as part of their rehabilitation, sit their asses down. A sotto voce “Wanker” comes from one of the lads.
Vicar: On this precious Sunday, the third after Epiphany, we remember the good deeds of our Good Lord.
“Tell us about the fishes,” comes a shout. “Yeah, fishes,” says someone else. It’s a popular story. And for this storyteller, the only one I know.
The vicar smiles beneficently.
“What the fuck does beneficently mean?” whispers one of the underdressed female offenders.
“Fucked if I know,” comes the reply from the cheap seats.
Vicar: The people had been listening to Jesus banging on all day. They were starving. There was a possibility of a riot. “We’re going to get fucked,” said one of the disciples. “No problem,” said Jesus, “Watch this mother of a miracle.”
He beat a small boy to the ground and stole his loaves and fishes.
Audience member: “You’d get six months for that in this fucking shithole.”
Vicar: Jesus displayed the loaves and fishes to the crowd. He put on his special miracle hat. Waved his wand for the ladies to see. And lo and behold! A banquet appeared for the crowd to eat.
“Bollocks did he,” says an unimpressed member of the congregation. “He’s not David fucking Copperfield.”
“What the fuck does beneficently mean?” whispers one of the underdressed female offenders.
“Fucked if I know,” comes the reply from the cheap seats.
Vicar: The people had been listening to Jesus banging on all day. They were starving. There was a possibility of a riot. “We’re going to get fucked,” said one of the disciples. “No problem,” said Jesus, “Watch this mother of a miracle.”
He beat a small boy to the ground and stole his loaves and fishes.
Audience member: “You’d get six months for that in this fucking shithole.”
Vicar: Jesus displayed the loaves and fishes to the crowd. He put on his special miracle hat. Waved his wand for the ladies to see. And lo and behold! A banquet appeared for the crowd to eat.
“Bollocks did he,” says an unimpressed member of the congregation. “He’s not David fucking Copperfield.”
A general discussion ensues. “He could have used mirrors,” says one of the brighter ones. “It’s shit,” says a dimmer one.
“If you lot don’t shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down — you’re on punishment duties when we get back,” says the officer in charge.
They shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down, grudgingly.
Vicar: And now for our next hymn — Amazing Fucking Grace. Asses off chairs, please.
“If you lot don’t shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down — you’re on punishment duties when we get back,” says the officer in charge.
They shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down, grudgingly.
Vicar: And now for our next hymn — Amazing Fucking Grace. Asses off chairs, please.