Get Your Wedding Day Written Up By a Professional Reporter
Ceremony, reception, and more covered by a top writer. A satirical look at wedding reporting.
"The Happy Couple" by Mark Ewbie
Hi there,
We all know how special your wedding day is and how it is recorded by video and camera.
What if a top writer, that’s me by the way, could add to the sense of occasion by doing a glitzy Hello magazine-style report on your wedding, from ceremony through to the reception?
A piece of your history, documented for yourselves as your memories fade and for your future generations too.
Something you can put on your own Facebook page as a memento, or perhaps mail to your local newspaper as a quality article they will be sure to print.
Many happy couples have benefited from my presence at their special day, not only for the story but because I am able to mingle unobtrusively. Not furtively, that would be wrong – and I am obligated to be registered with the relevant authorities.
So your kids are safe with me! Although, they won’t be with me, I can guarantee that for a small consideration.
I hope that’s reassuring.
We all know how special your wedding day is and how it is recorded by video and camera.
What if a top writer, that’s me by the way, could add to the sense of occasion by doing a glitzy Hello magazine-style report on your wedding, from ceremony through to the reception?
A piece of your history, documented for yourselves as your memories fade and for your future generations too.
Something you can put on your own Facebook page as a memento, or perhaps mail to your local newspaper as a quality article they will be sure to print.
Many happy couples have benefited from my presence at their special day, not only for the story but because I am able to mingle unobtrusively. Not furtively, that would be wrong – and I am obligated to be registered with the relevant authorities.
So your kids are safe with me! Although, they won’t be with me, I can guarantee that for a small consideration.
I hope that’s reassuring.
How Does this Work?
Many people these days get their best man speeches written for them on the internet, and this wedding day reportage is simply an extension of that type of service.
The way I work is by pretending to be a guest. Whichever side – bride or groom – can assume I am with the others, and this enables me to get close among your friends.
To find out what they are really saying about you – the unvarnished truth.
You’d be surprised how many newly married couples want to hear the dirt being dished about them by their so-called friends.
None at all, as it happens – but the offer is there for an extra fifty dollars if required.
I will report on all aspects – the venue, the guests, the food, the reception, and, of course, the mother-in-laws.
Only joking about mother-in-laws. An example of my cutting-edge modern humour. These old women get an unfair press. For good reasons in my experience, but we’ll leave that there.
You can have a variety of angles on the reporting, as detailed below.
Many people these days get their best man speeches written for them on the internet, and this wedding day reportage is simply an extension of that type of service.
The way I work is by pretending to be a guest. Whichever side – bride or groom – can assume I am with the others, and this enables me to get close among your friends.
To find out what they are really saying about you – the unvarnished truth.
You’d be surprised how many newly married couples want to hear the dirt being dished about them by their so-called friends.
None at all, as it happens – but the offer is there for an extra fifty dollars if required.
I will report on all aspects – the venue, the guests, the food, the reception, and, of course, the mother-in-laws.
Only joking about mother-in-laws. An example of my cutting-edge modern humour. These old women get an unfair press. For good reasons in my experience, but we’ll leave that there.
You can have a variety of angles on the reporting, as detailed below.
Types of Reporting Package
- The Prestige Package covers the event from the angle of a blessed happy day. All words in my thousand-word article will be positive about the manner of your joining together.
- The Standard Package is slightly more honest but will still try to report the event as being wholly happy and well planned.
- The Satirical Package will look at the wedding from a world-weary, jaundiced point of view. Ideal for those who don’t really expect the charade to last too long.
- The Economy Package includes one photo, a paragraph each about him and her, and a first-class knob gag.
Pricing and Expenses
I expect to be in attendance through the ceremony and the reception. If honeymoon nuptials are to be included in the coverage, then a surcharge is payable. Price depending on the fitness of the bride.
I need my costs of travel, hotel accommodation, and hire of suitable clothes to be reimbursed.
I expect to be in attendance through the ceremony and the reception. If honeymoon nuptials are to be included in the coverage, then a surcharge is payable. Price depending on the fitness of the bride.
I need my costs of travel, hotel accommodation, and hire of suitable clothes to be reimbursed.
- Prestige: $2500
- Standard: $1500
- Satirical: $3000 (This is high because, believe me, I will do a real job on the day. I’m an artist.)
- Economy: $500
How Can You Justify This Expense?
In these difficult times, the idea of employing an ex-alcoholic hack to hang around your wedding and insult your guests may seem a little extravagant.
But I put it to you – how can you NOT afford it? Look at what you’re spending on the rest of the day’s extravagance.
This day, the joining of two young or middle-aged people in relatively Holy matrimony, is one of the greatest days of your life.
Why would anyone choose to scrimp on that little extra memory, which will last for a lifetime?
The reporting provided will be an heirloom to pass to your children, who will be fascinated to read about the day their parents got hitched.
I know if my parents had shelled out on such a service, had it been available, I would spend every evening reading those fine words about their wonderful day.
In more practical terms, you may be able to sell the article to your local press, although I wouldn’t claim that in any legal sense of occasion.
In these difficult times, the idea of employing an ex-alcoholic hack to hang around your wedding and insult your guests may seem a little extravagant.
But I put it to you – how can you NOT afford it? Look at what you’re spending on the rest of the day’s extravagance.
This day, the joining of two young or middle-aged people in relatively Holy matrimony, is one of the greatest days of your life.
Why would anyone choose to scrimp on that little extra memory, which will last for a lifetime?
The reporting provided will be an heirloom to pass to your children, who will be fascinated to read about the day their parents got hitched.
I know if my parents had shelled out on such a service, had it been available, I would spend every evening reading those fine words about their wonderful day.
In more practical terms, you may be able to sell the article to your local press, although I wouldn’t claim that in any legal sense of occasion.
Other Information
Sometimes the bride and the groom will want to pay extra for separate reporting of the grand occasion.
There are clear benefits to this in case of future marital problems. It can form part of a prenuptial agreement, offering early warning signs that you both chose to ignore.
I can also report from the bride’s point of view or the husband’s – depending on the size of the cheque, of course.
In terms of credit, the bill can be paid in two small and manageable sums, and a further ten rather more crippling ones. Believe me, compared to the instant cost of married life, this will be the least of your financial worries.
Sometimes the bride and the groom will want to pay extra for separate reporting of the grand occasion.
There are clear benefits to this in case of future marital problems. It can form part of a prenuptial agreement, offering early warning signs that you both chose to ignore.
I can also report from the bride’s point of view or the husband’s – depending on the size of the cheque, of course.
In terms of credit, the bill can be paid in two small and manageable sums, and a further ten rather more crippling ones. Believe me, compared to the instant cost of married life, this will be the least of your financial worries.
A Short Example
Note: I have condensed this example for reasons of space. The removed stuff is exactly what you would expect, bland and congratulatory.
May 2024. Mr. Fumphrey-Hongleton and Eliza Bellingham Carter were married today at the Chapel of Sister Agnes. The bride was attended, and the groom wore a simple suit rented from the local Fancy Dress Costumiers. The flowers for the occasion were lilac, and they complemented the bruising around the best man’s face. That was some stag party for sure!
There were a couple of pretty hot bridesmaids and a frumpy one from the groom’s side of the family.
There was a small disturbance during the reception when the more fearsome of the mother-in-laws made a comment that was not taken well by the nicer one. No punches were thrown. They agreed not to speak to each other for the remainder of the marriage. In keeping with tradition, they will undermine their respective child’s partner forevermore.
In a surprise announcement, the bride made it clear that she had only gotten married for the sake of her forthcoming child. There are suspicions among the groom’s friends that it is not his. It was too late to write it into the Best Man’s speech.
Reportage provided by Mark Ewbie Wedding Services.
Note: I have condensed this example for reasons of space. The removed stuff is exactly what you would expect, bland and congratulatory.
May 2024. Mr. Fumphrey-Hongleton and Eliza Bellingham Carter were married today at the Chapel of Sister Agnes. The bride was attended, and the groom wore a simple suit rented from the local Fancy Dress Costumiers. The flowers for the occasion were lilac, and they complemented the bruising around the best man’s face. That was some stag party for sure!
There were a couple of pretty hot bridesmaids and a frumpy one from the groom’s side of the family.
There was a small disturbance during the reception when the more fearsome of the mother-in-laws made a comment that was not taken well by the nicer one. No punches were thrown. They agreed not to speak to each other for the remainder of the marriage. In keeping with tradition, they will undermine their respective child’s partner forevermore.
In a surprise announcement, the bride made it clear that she had only gotten married for the sake of her forthcoming child. There are suspicions among the groom’s friends that it is not his. It was too late to write it into the Best Man’s speech.
Reportage provided by Mark Ewbie Wedding Services.